As you can see, this starts out similarly to the "About Me" side note. That is because the stupid "About Me" thingy is ridiculously limited and allowing of a mere 1200 characters, as if such an interesting and complex person as myself could possibly ever be meaningfully summarised in so few words. Therefore, I post this more complete (than the "About Me") summary of myself as a regular blog post. Enjoy!
I don't really know who I am, due to dissociative disorder. I prefer to say my personality is fragmented rather than split. I am better characterised by continuous and smooth personality fluctuation, than by any kind of discrete or dramatic switches.
In DSM-IV terms, the closest diagnosis is Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS), type 1, which has similarities to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), but falls short of being nearly identical to the latter.
Keep the above in mind - I am not always the same; in fact, it's better to say that I am *never* the same. However, the following reflects an earnest effort to identify some of the most persistent, stable, and frequently recurring traits of my complex and variable compound personality.
For the most part, I'm a narcissist, and I'm largely schizoid but I no longer have NPD or SPD. I also have notable features of codependence as well as modest but frequently conspicuous anti-social traits, and these stand out more clearly after I recovered from NPD and SPD, as I now have real self-esteem and therefore very little to be ashamed of or embarrassed about; moreover, as my self-esteem is no longer dependent in the least upon external confirmation, I no longer have much desire for admiration, although I may sometime appear to seek the opposite form of attention, namely some form of notoriety, I think this is more reflective of my self-sabotaging and pathological openness and inadvisable truthfulness with the exception of some rare attempts to deceive or manipulate, which is more reflective of need than desire. The interpretation that I am open rather than attention-seeking with notoriety in focus, is supported by the fact that I speak openly also of my sweeter and softer sides, such as my often greater than average capacity for sympathy and compassion, my tendency to cry at least a few times a week, and sometimes several times daily, and on occasion ridiculously easily, my sissy traits, my longing for love, my tolerance and open-mindedness, etc. with almost equally callous unconcern for my reputation and public image, as I speak of my not infrequent acts of rage and violence, my Machiavellianism, my lack of any conscience or morals in the typical sense of the term, my cold emotional detachment, the shallow nature of my emotional states (stopping crying to laugh instead, or returning to complete cool seconds after raging, save for signs of physical exertion). So, I guess I have some definite psychopathic traits too, but as is obvious from the above, I can not be meaningfully classified as any kind of psychopath, and as is equally obvious to any intelligent reader, if I thought I were a psychopath, I would be unashamed and unafraid to say so, as well as unconcerned of the consequences to my reputation.
In short, I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one.
If any of the above caught your attention, please post a comment or e-mail me in private at awik32@gmail.com especially if you are yourself an interesting person with good self-esteem, and even more so if you are an intelligent, insightful, intuitive, knowledgeable, criminal or or criminally insane, open-minded, ambitious,
visually appealing,
or otherwise impressive or exciting female, and as I'm looking for love, it is best if you are capable of that. While a lack of conscience is much appreciated, a lack of empathy is not, and an incapacity for sympathy or mere mercy is definitely a cause for my concern unless you can reassure me of its limited significance, perhaps because you are good at simulating it convincingly and willing to do so consistently just to please me - that would be flattering, in fact! Lately, I have found myself with a peculiar fascination with Jewesses in particular, and while this is strange in its own right, it may be particularly surprising as I was a Nazi (in my teens; I'm 33 now) - I very much suspect that it reflects some form of externally originating manipulation of me (eg. a conspiracy or similar), but it may plausibly come from the inside, considering the split nature of my personality (ie. a conspiracy by myself against me); I will, however, refrain from mentioning the most plausible explanation out of concern for giving a misleading impression of myself; and no, psychotic or delusional is not what I had in mind.
Oh, regarding conspiracies - do you believe in them? I didn't, until a few days ago, when I found *myself* making plans for building my own conspiratory network, encouraged by a somewhat mysterious but powerful ally. Then it struck me, if "little" me is setting up a conspiracy, is it really probable, in the least, that I am the first ever to do so, or even contemporarily alone in doing so? Of course not! Think about it. Oh, by the way, do you wish to join us? Send me an e-mail; see my e-mail address above. Tell me about your grandiose plans, whether selfish or idealistic - ie. what we may be able help you with making come true. More importantly, tell me about your specialties and compelling and distinguishing features, from your own point of view, and from our point of view based on your expectations thereof - ie. what can you offer us and other members of our network
(eg. talents, skills, power, contacts, money, secrets, etc.)? Also, tell us a little about what would be most useful and valuable to you in reward for your services to us - e.g. do you need money, attention, special talents, etc.? As you may have realised, mutual reward is a cornerstone of our philosophies. Many of us are narcissistic, and the only way we can possibly co-operative productively and constructively in the long term, is by appealing to, and exploiting, our inherent selfishness - mutual reward accomplishes this splendidly. If your needs are more idealistic (eg. philanthropic, serving what is - in your own view, as we try not to judge - a noble cause) rather than selfish, that is all right too, if we can find a way to accommodate it; in fact, I personally have intuitive understanding of both these at first glance conflicting motivations. That's all for now; feel free to ask questions.
Possibly to be continued... Now, I'll try to get some rest.
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